New Anti-aging Cream

"Men's testicles contain certain cells that seem to be as versatile as embryonic stem cells, the Associated Press reports. A study, published in Nature, suggests that the cells could possibly be used to help grow replacement tissues for other parts of the body. Using these cells would be far less controversial than using embryonic stem cells, which are harvested in a process that destroys embryos."
-http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/2008/10/09/health-buzz-stem-cells-from-testicles-and-other-health-news.html

This is good news for everyone!

Let's start with me: At last, I can compete with female egg donors in the commodification of my sex organs! The markets are down, and in these hard times, it's been hard to stay hard, but fear not, man! Now you can pay back the loan that the receptionist at the sperm bank gave you "if you would just give up already," thereby solving all of life's problems. Let's look at this simple diagram:

........................................................................................
Testicles => Liver............................................................
......................................................................................
......................V................................................................
..................Money............................................................
......................................................................................
......................V................................................................
.............Payback Loan .....................................................
...................../ \................................................................
.Save Market....Marry Receptionist................................
...................................................................................
.........V..........................V...............................................
.Regain Virility ===> Children....................................
........................................./ \...........................................
.................Grand Children...Testicles => Liver => Money
..................................../ \................................................
Great Grand Children... Testicles => Liver => Money.....
......................................................................................
............ ......V...................................................................
Etc., to infinity, resulting in infinite moneys!! God, life is simple.

Yet, the rising tide lifts all boats, and, thus, annoyingly, the newly found fruits in my forest will benefit others. In fact, some people may already be unknowingly experiencing such benefits. For example, perhaps the greater longevity of women can now be accounted for as a direct result of ingesting... stem cells, somehow.

Moreover, the increasing value of my valuables (or the sky-rocketing stock of my stock) represents the versatile potential of these potatoes, even for such disparate institutions as science and religion: for example, as the number of men that are desperate enough to contribute to progress increases, so will the number of eligible candidates available to sing in the pope's choir...Wow! Wealth, women, science, religion, what can't you do, nether regions? You are like a magic lamp (if you could just imagine that stem cell stuff would be, like, the genie, and, like, the surgical extraction part is similar to how you have to rub it, kinda...)!

Whatever. Despite the analogy, my manhood is boss, and all my critics can shove it, you hear? Existential feminists, transcend already! I've found a new object for my subject and it's me. Go ahead, call me nuts. I take that as a compliment.