Congratulations, it's a blog!: Jurass is Mine, Nessie!

The Loch Ness Monster has been a pop culture icon for decades. However, the release of the film Water Horse in 2007 has bolstered the boisterous basilisk into a limier light, the liminess of which should be tinging my light instead! Fortunately, I live in Denver, Colorado, which is technically a desert and has no significant bodies of water to speak of. It is the perfect place from which to launch my slanderous campaign against this ego-maniacal, attention-craving alligator. In this post, I will reveal Nessie's dark private life. I hope to show that this so-called "monster" is, in fact, a danger to people and tourism in the U.K.. Meanwhile, I will demonstrate that the media, in its hysterical love affair with the beast, has largely ignored the plethora of plesiosaurs around the planet.

The Loch Ness Monster made its major motion picture debut in the film Water Horse, in which it played a loveable little sprite of a dinosaur fit for Barney and Friends or The Land Before Time XLIII. Sadly, like so many other stars, there is a shadier side to Nessie behind the silver screen. Scottish lore (their equivalent to US Weekly) reveals the scandelous ways of the water horse ("each uisage"). The monster has been known to transform into a fine horse or pony and lure passers-by to climb on for a ride. However, at the first sight or smell of water, the creature suddenly becomes adhesive, and takes its rider for a deep dive and a watery death. In other cases, the water horse transforms into a handsome man, seducing women before ushering them into the afterlife. In this form, the creature can only be recognized by the sea-weed in its hair.

Nessie is the prodginy of a family embroiled in scandal accross the U.K.. A similar beast, sometimes called a "kelpie," is found in the rivers and lochs of Scotland and Ireland. It transforms convincingly into a lost pony, its secret nature only betrayed by a constantly dripping mane. Fittingly, this shifty creature maintains a wide variety of aliases. On the Isle of Man, it is referred to as a Cabbyl-Ushtey or Glashtin. Meanwhile, in the Orkney Islands, just north of the Scottish mainland, it is referred to as a Nuggle, while on the islands still north of there, the Shetlands, it is knowns as a Shoopiltee or a Njogal. The people of the Shetlands tell the tale of a man, "Black Eric," and his pet-beast named Tangie. The duo marauded across the countryside pillaging the helpless vilagers. Black Eric was eventually driven off a cliff by upset locals, but Tangie continued to ravage the land for some time, in search of his mortal bride.

If the reports of such unruly behavior are not incriminating enough, there also appears to be a history of conspiracy and cover-ups in the same area. In 1808, a storm in the Orkney Islands washed ashore a mysterious carcass. It was 55 ft. long, with three pairs of paws or wings, and a mane that ran all the way down its back. The locals drew several diagrams of the beast, and declared it an unknown species of sea serpent. Forty-one years later, a team of naturalists examined the skeleton and dismissed it as an exceptionally large, decaying basking shark.

Villagers' drawings

A Basking Shark

This carcass, caught off the coast of New Zealand in 1977, was eventually identified as a basking shark as well.

More mysterious maritime meat-monsters:

I've got more carcasses, but posting the pictures was causing weird format issues, so whatever.

Europeans have expressed an awareness of the aquatic-horselike-serpentine-thingy for thousands of years. The Greek god Poseidon was lord of both the sea and of horses. Eventually, artists and authors depicted his chariot being drawn by Hippocamps, the front half of which is horselike, the other half being fish or dragon. Hippocamps show up all over Greek pottery and sometimes currency. The Romans adopted the Hippocamp with fervor, illustrating it in complex mosaics and statues.

"This coin was minted in Taretum early the 5th Century BC. Taras (Taretum) was the most important Greek city in southern Italy during the 5th and 4th Centuries BC. Taras finally surrendered to the Romans in 272 BC.
Obv: Hippocamp Rev: Taras on Dolphin"
http://www.museumsurplus.com

"Byblos, Phoenicia (time of King Azemilcus/Uzzimilk; 347- 340 BC.). Obv: Melquart holding drawn bow & riding hippocamp, facing right; dolphin below stylized waves; raised circular decorative border. Rev: Owl standing right, facing head; crook and flail over shoulder, date year mark 10 (338/7 BC) to right."

http://www.ancients.info/gallery/showgallery.php/cat/3153

Wow, I ended up getting pretty into this coins-with-Hippocamps-on-them-thing. If anyone finds one in their change, please send it my way for, uh, verification. I'll post one more:

Phoenicia, Byblos, Azbaal 350-333 BC. War galley left with lion's head prow ornament, zig-zag row of waves below, three hoplites with round shields within, hippocamp left above murex. No between hippocamp and gally / lion attacking bull to the left."

http://www.vcoins.com/ancient/persisgallery/store/viewItem.asp?idProduct=32&large=0

Anyway, water-dragon-stuff has persisted throughout European history. Beaucaire, in Southern France, was home to one of the most infamous such creatures. Known as "Le Drac" (and pronounced with an exaggerated French accent), this supersized salamander inhabited the nearby Rhone River (left: a statue of Le Drac in Beaucaire). It was capable of transforming into a human, and used an underground network to get from the river to the town's well. One day, a luscious lavender babe (vendor) was gathering her herbs by the river and Le Drac!! kidnapped her to raise his son. According to wikipedia... she had to rub human fat or something on his kid. One time, she forgot to wash it off her hands before she rubbed her eye, and thus gained the ability to recognize Le Drac!!!. Years later, after her release, she spotted Le Drac! in town. In response, he ripped her eye out and then killed a ton of people. Whole armies failed to bring down the beast. Some say it has died of old age. Others believe it roams the Rhone still.

There are several other similar cases. Out of laziness, I'm just going to quote some websites:

The Gargouille

From the waters of the Seine, a monster with a great scaled head appears one day and starts mercilessly satureating the land until the entire region is flooded. The Archbishop of Rouen, St. Romain, with one volunteer, a prisoner on the death roll, sets out to conquer the monster. When St. Romain confronts the monster, he places two fingers one against another, forming a cross. This gesture immediately tames the Gargouille. It is led submissively back in town and burned to death.
Comments
The story of the Gargouille is found in the "Serpent Dragons" section of this collection of dragon stories. The Gargouille is described as a colossal monster with a long neck, a slender snout and eyes greaming like moonstones. It is also claimed that the word "gargoyle" is derived from the name of this monster, borrowing both its shape and the water spouting trait. The taming process is very similar between this and the story of The Tarasque.

http://www.fairrosa.info/dragon/gargouille.html
(pictured: Gargouille at Laon Cathedral; for scale, note the little dude holding the rope around its neck).

The Tarasque,

(lemme just say [sic] ahead of time)
The Tarasque cannot be destroyed by mere human strength or weapons. The people in Nerluc have suffered many years until Martha, the girl with a quiet disposition and a Christian, comes to spread the words of God to the pagan people. She listens to the stories of the Tarasque and sets out, bear-footed, to search the dragon. When she finds the dragon, she uses two sticks as a cross and that stops the dragon as if it is pierced by a sword. She sprinkles holy water on the dragon and that quenches all the fire in him. She uses his sharp tooth to cut off her braids and using the braids as a bridle, leads him back in town, tame as a lamb. The townspeople kills the Tarasque with a shower of stones and Martha weeps for the creature but forgives the people's action because she understands their long-time suffering.

Comments
This male dragon is enormous. His body is most like an ox but with six short bear-like legs with enormous claws. On his body he has two shields like those of a turtle but covered with curved spikes, and the rest of his body is covered with closely overlapping scales that formed his armor. His tail is long and curved like a scorpion. His head is that of a lion, yet with a horse's ears, but his face, with eyebrows and mustache, is that of a sad and bitter old man. The Tarasque is described as an evil fire-breathing beast.

http://www.fairrosa.info/dragon/tarasque.html

(pictured: a statue of the Tarasque near King Rene's Castle in Tarascon. The town changed its name from Nerluc to Tarascon after the Tarasque incident).

North America's waters also appear to be chock full o' serpents. The natives of Okanagan Lake (British Columbia) refered to their resident reptile as Naitaka, although today, this popular serpent is known mostly as Ogopogo. The natives spoke ominously of "the great beast of the lake" or "the snake in the lake." They would carry an animal with them on their canoes to be used as a sacrifice in case they happened upon a... hungry hippo (I'm running out of alliterative terms for these things). Native pictographs along the lake's tributaries depict a serpent, perhaps functioning as warning signs. Viking pictographs of snakes found near... some lake I can't remember the name of... in the northeastern U.S., might have served the same purpose (maybe it was Lake Memphremagog?). Anyway, there have been all kinds of non-native Ogopogo sightings since 1860, the most noteable of which was an appearance that the beast made in 1926, when it was spotted by no less than 30 separate cars of people.

The Nootka, natives of British Columbia, had their own fearsome serpent, Haeitlik, a "lightning snake" that the thunderbirds would send out to kill orcas for food. To the north, Inuits believed in a snake-like creature which they called Tizheruk. The animal was said to have a seven foot head and a long tail ending in a flipper. It dwelled near Key Island, Alaska where it would occasional emerge to snatch Eskimos off the pier (no joke), or perhaps to turn tricks for Klondike Bars... Meanwhile, Souix legend told of a dangerous reptilian water monster which they called Unktehila. In their mythology, all but the smallest variety of these creatures were destroyed by the Thunderbirds. In our history, dinosaurs were supplanted with the evolution of birds, an intriguing parallel.

Well, I wanted to write a lot more, about Champ and those other guys, but I'm getting tired of this, and would like to blog about something else. In fact, I am just going to end this post prematurly and inconclusivly. May I placate you with some links?

This link provides written accounts of various "lake dragons" around the world. It is 1)an internet source for 2)cryptozoology, maintained by 3)a Young Earth Creationist. In terms of scientific credibility, it is 1)a desert, 2)sewn with salt, and then 3) nuked. In defense of YECs though, I do sort of find Sarah Palin attractive... in the way that the male mantis pursues his inexorable doom, or in a I-am-prepared-file-down-the-fangs-of-our-offspring sort of way. Hiss! Call me, Sarah. http://www.lakedragons.livingdinos.com/

When I first started looking at sea serpents, I came up with what I deemed to be a witty phrase, "different fakes for different lakes." However, there are astonishing similarities between the monsters, particularly amongst the reports that people give of their sightings. A few common features include: long neck with a mane, horse-like head held about one foot above the water, vertical undulations (unlike... everything, which undulates horizontally), glowing eyes, bla bla bla. In the end, I have to say, who knows... unless you've run into one, in which case, I suppose you know. Anyway, I've posted some links to videos on youtube that are kinda fun.

Champ on ABC News

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0wvZf8z_M4

Connecticut Lake Monster?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcLrN0oagzA

unknown creature in Kanas Lake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgaihUBaTIM&feature=related

Loch Ness Monster Caught on Tape

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-Q-IwUijoc

The Ogopogo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMCeoHGdcY0&feature=related

Swedish Lake Monster

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaNb_h2t018

Animal X - Turkish Lake Monster
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OzjiAhqF1w