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Actual Hello from the ROK

2011-04-15T17:50:00.001-07:00

Good morning!

I was pretty tired last night, hence the lengthy and uninformative posting. But! After some nice sleep, I'm ready to actually share with you all about my experience so far here in Korea. I guess I'll just start from the start.

After Sterling dropped me off at SFO with my few worldly possessions, I made my way over to the Singapore Airlines counter. I figured to put all my heavy things in my carry-on so that my checked baggage didn't exceed the weight limit, but I figured wrong. It seems that on international flights, carry-on cannot weigh more than, I think it was 8 kilos. So I took a little time to repack my bags. I managed to check them in and it seemed that I was on my way.

But apparently I am quite a suspicious character. I may have short hair, a clean-shaven appearance, a cross around my neck, and, with any luck, a smile on my face from God to you, but the guy on my passport has long, long hair, a crazy beard, and maybe a little bit of the spirit of addiction, or something like that, upon his countenance. Or perhaps, as I repacked my bags, the Singapore airlines clerk noticed that I was carrying a 14” knife in my suitcase. Either way, she saw it fit to stamp not one “S” (for “secondary screening”) on my passport, but, oh yes, five “S's.”

So at the security checkpoint, they're inspecting my passport and asking, “is this even you?” I'm doing my best to joke, “Yeah, yeah, I look better with a haircut, right?” Because that's easier to explain than “well you see, even though that photo was just taken in January, I've since been delivered from some unclean things and God has been making some major changes in my life.” In fact, I get the impression that God isn't exactly the prom king of the airport security checkpoints. So my passport wasn't doing me any favors, but of course the five S's stamped on my boarding pass raised some suspicion as well.

I'm getting felt up for free while I couple of ladies go through my recently repacked carry-ons. “Do you have any weapons? Any sharp objects? Anything that we should know about?” Nope. “Then what are these?” Oopsy daisy! I had packed my bags in such a rush that I guess I had left two knives in my carry-on suitcase. Just a pocket knife and a box-cutter-type razor-thingy (I never know what to call those), but I guess they weren't too keen on that. So, of course, everything else in my bag becomes an object of suspicion. Pretty much anything which can be used for poking (which is just about everything) was carefully scrutinized. Not that I'm complaining. If anyone's bags deserve to be meticulously examined then it's probably the guy in his mid-twenties, who doesn't match the alarming photo on his passport, and who is trying to carry two knives onto the plane.

So that was fun. So was my flight. Apparently, Singapore has no better use for its supermodels than to wrap 'em up in tight traditional dresses and make flight attendants out of them. This made me very curious about the “call attendant” button that I found in the lavatory... but I thought better of it and perhaps repented a little. Anyway, they served two meals on the flight, and the ladies will bring you as many drinks as you can drink (hence, my familiarity with the lavatory). I was very pleased, except with the seaweed, which I did not care for. I should note though, that I now do like seaweed, and a whole array of Asian cuisine that I found repulsive at first. It's really weird how quickly it grows on you. A friend from Nottingham offered me a piece of seaweed on my first day. I said, “ahh, why not?” and he joked, “that's how they get ya.” He was right.

Other notes from my flight: I watched an extremely over-dramatic and yet tear-jerking Korean movie called “A Better Tomorrow,” about two brothers who escape from the North to the South. One becomes and arms dealer and one becomes a cop. The main characters must have been shot upwards of thirty times a piece and yet they kept soldiering on, driven by the pain and anger that stems from the refracted light of their deep love for one another upon the turbulent waves of the Earth. Oh yes, very dramatic. I was thinking, “this is so ridiculous and lame,” while quickly wiping away my tears and loudly blowing my nose. The movie made me think about a lot of important things, and I decided that when I do make a home someday, with a family and everything, I want to live near my brother.

By the time movie was over, everyone had closed their window covers to get a little sleep on the plane, but I decide to sneak a peak at the Pacific Ocean. I slide my window open and my eyeballs were seared with a blinding, white light. As my pupils adjusted, I murmured, “holy shit...” We were not over the Pacific Ocean at all, but over an endless sea of vast Alaskan mountains. One mountain was so tall that it's stony peak had no snow on it at all, perennially above the clouds, and I wondered if it was K-2.

Eventually, I decided to watch a Bollywood film called Robot. Watch it. Especially if you are my brother's roommate, Alan Asbeck. Someone get Alan Asbeck to watch this film please. I don't want to ruin the plot, but suffice it to say, watch it. Don't look into it. Don't spoil it in any way. Just get it, pop it in, and be amazed. It is.. very... different.

So as I flew to the other side of the planet, I stayed up the whole time watching foreign films, much to the horror of my biological clock. By the time I picked up my luggage I was on the verge of zombification. I also wondered, what is this funny, yellow u-lock thing on my bag? Well, as soon as I walked up to customs, it started playing a loud, happy, little tune, which might sound innocuous enough, but it is actually saying, “tra, la, la, la, la, this man is carrying a dangerous weapon, tra, la, la.” I guess they weren't too cool with my knife. I was too tired to care and just surrendered the darn thing after lots of unsuccessful Korean-English communication.

Eventually, I met my ride from the school, Richard, who did not like to talk but who did have bronchitis. Also, he liked to walk extremely fast. It was an interesting introduction. The only thing he really responded to on the car ride from Incheon was when I mentioned God. He asked if sometimes I get very angry with God. This gave me a really hearty laugh for some reason, and said that I do get angry with God, but I always find out that God is working for my own good. I don't think he understood.

But anyway, as we drove by the little shopping district near my place in Siheung, I was amazed by the tall, brightly-lit buildings, densely packed with businesses on every floor. Of course, I've since been to Seoul and realized that, by Korean standards, I live in the middle of nowhere, just a notch more urban than actual farmland. I arrived at my apartment and was introduced to my surprise, Canadian roommate, Jon Thibert, and his friend who was visiting, John Bacon. After we all said, “I'm John too,” Richard made a quick and silent exit. Jon and John began talking to me. I would soon come to find that my roommate possesses a unique ability to vocally stream his consciousness at all times, even now, as I am typing this. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't. Either way, it doesn't seem to matter. Fortunately, he has some interesting things to say and is a very good guy (and I am becoming a much more patient listener). Anyway, eventually I managed to interject, “I'm really glad to meet you guys, but I've gotta go to bed.”

A few hours later, my alarm went off early in the morning for work. Hazily, I looked around, “where am I?” Mattress roughly akin to box-spring, polluted rain smell seeping in through the weird beach-glassy window, roommate atonally belting Rod Stewart in the pre-dawn... “Oh, God, I'm in Korea!” And I tried to go back to sleep.

Not to worry though! It's all been good. Tell you more later! It's Saturday, and I gotta go climb a mountain with my God-loving girlfriend. :D

(oh, by the way, I don't really have internet yet. I'm still waiting on my Alien Registration Card so I can sign up, but once I do I'd love to skype with people, etc., etc.).

Ok, byyyyye!

Hello, from the ROK!

2011-04-15T05:26:00.000-07:00

First of all, I saw a pure white pigeon while climbing up the forested mountain to the impressive N Seoul Tower last weekend. I played with it for a while and it was cool. Speaking of birds, I would also like to note that Korea makes the United States look like Turkey (yeah, yeah, Ottomans) at the end of the 19th century: undeveloped, uneducated, and technologically irrelevant.

Next, I finally have a chance to update you all about my life here in Korea! It's Friday night, you see. My co-workers are going out for galby, but I'm staying home, on account of having blown all my cash last night for a fitted sheet. Every Thursday, they roll out a little market in the parking lot outside my apartment. Last night there was a woman there, and this woman sold nothing short of that which is referred to in my homeland as bedding!!

I've been searching for sheets everywhere, but Koreans aren't too big on the whole sleep-in-a-bed thing. I finally managed to find some at a COSCO in southern Seoul last weekend, but they were too expensive, and I had to surrender them at the check-out (I ran out of cash). Good thing too, because if I'd had to carry a whole set of sheets in addition to my other purchases, then our harrowing escape from COSCO would have likely been even less...likely.

You see, it was alleged by some that a quick bus ride would see us to Seoul's genuinely spectacular subway system, which runs an hour and a half away from there, allllll the way down to Siheung, where I live. The end of the line for the epically-lengthy, baby-blue number 4 is just a few blocks away from my apartment. Thus, densely-packed-and-weighty-COSCO-box-tray in arms, I scanned my t-money pass to hop on the bus in a state of blissful naivete.

Merrily didst we abuse our foreign status as justification to conduct ourselves in outlandish abandon: I truly enjoy the attention that I get here as strangers gawk and think, “so this is what Americans are like!” Far be it from me to explain, “actually, I'm just crazy,” (because I don't know how to say that (or anything) in Korean, and because I wouldn't want to blow my cover, even if I could). You know how people let themselves go crazy if they can get an excuse? Maybe they say, “oh, yeah, I'd had a bit to drink,” or “I was in the spirit,” etc, etc.. These influences are very real, but it's psychological too. Everyone likes an excuse to go crazy.

Well, now I've got one, and it's permanent: I am foreign. Miguk.

Now what is this? The police officer is telling me not to sprint across traffic? “Miguk!” Oh? Mauling nonsensical-childrens'-mascot-thingies for a funny photo is perhaps frowned upon? “Miguk, I say! Miguk!” So you don't like my angry-looking cookie-monster knock-off shirt that says “dirty ghetto” on the back? “Miguk! Make some smile!” So now excited animal impressions are potentially abrasive for everyone who is forced to remain in my vicinity until the subway stops? “Ohhhhh, I'm sorry. You see: miguk, sir. Miguk.”

It's quite wonderful really. What am I going to do when I go home? When I can no longer run around squawking like an insane person and still have droves of girls hoping to get a picture with me on their camera phone? This may seem politically incorrect or even racist, and it probably is, but a white man in Korea is like a black man America. I'm simultaneously outcast and revered. I love it.

So, we spend quite some time on the bus, with my big box from COSCO, being simultaneously outcast and revered, when I start noticing familiar landmarks from the earlier journey on the way to COSCO. Can it be that all of this has just been one giant circle? Indeed it can (be (so)), and we will soon find ourselves right back where we started. What goes down must come up, right? ...er, right?

Once again, we get off the bus at COSCO. Outcast and revered, bemused and dismayed, I hoist my massive COSCO box-tray as I feel the first sprinkles of another acid rain. Mmmm! Fresh from Japan! And what's better than acid rain? Why, acid rain during “yellow dust season” of course! So, as the shower intensifies, the concern over my increasingly radioactive status is overshadowed by the immediate need to figure out what to do with my precious purchases as the COSCO box-tray melts in my toxic(,)(-)rain(-)drenched arms. Fortunately, it turns out that cabs here are as cheap or cheaper than a frugal fungus farmer tryin to make his fortune go farther as a father in Finland.

So, you see, it was good that I ran out of money at the checkout, so that I didn't have to get my sheets all wet and nuclear, sexy as that may sound. This misadventure also had the effect of disillusioning me as to the feasibility of acquiring bedding, so that when the old lady at the Thursday market in the parking lot outside my apartment refused to budge on her price for a fitted sheet, 50k (~$47), I was obliged to acquiesce, and this, my friends, is why I did not have money for galby tonight.

Perhaps these events have tran/conspired so that I might write to you all this Friday evening. Since I believe that this is very likely to be the case, and because I do not care for meandering, cyclical writing, which seems endlessly to digresses for no better reason than the author's own amusement at the expense of a reader's very wits and finally patience, I will be quite direct and begin immediately with the matter of writing to you about my experiences in Korea.

But first, an opinionated word or two on the miserable state-of-affairs which characterizes the “political status” of pigeons in the Republic of Korea. I am being ironic of course. In the synthesized moorings of this technologically transfixed society, they can hardly be said to have any political status at all!

Just kidding, just kidding, miguk, miguk.

Another Great Speech (I'm Being Ironic)

2009-08-26T02:04:00.000-07:00

"During the last class, as far as I could tell, I was the only person that didn't participate in the class discussion.

I actually showed up with some notes, quotes and some ideas that I wanted to discuss, but I quickly became engaged in an internal struggle regarding class participation. I started feeling like we were obligated to add to the discussion, basically, just to get points for participating. I hope you don't mind my saying that, I think as a result, the discussion kind of sucked. The credit that we receive is supposed to be based on the discussion. However, as long as our discussion is based on credit, it's going to suck, and ironically, we should then deserve less credit.

Even though I didn't add to it, I was listening to the discussion, and I heard somebody mention class consciousness. It got me thinking. We are literally a class, and we are engaged in this social contract: the format of the class. We give sovereignty to our instructor and legitimacy to the format of the class in exchange for two things: to get credits, and to learn and grow as people.

However, as I said before, if we have discussions for the sake of credit, we are engaging in a class format that actually compromises those two goals. (i.e. discussions based on credit suck, because there is an incentive just to say whatever for credit. As a result we learn and grow less, and deserve less credit). According to Rousseau (...I think), because we constitute the legitimacy of that contract, we are capable of changing it. Moreover, it would be profoundly ironic, in studying Rousseau, not to revise a social contract in which our incentives are compromised. It would be like students in a fascist nation chanting together in class, “In a free country, students do not repeat their lessons in synchronization.” They would get credit for knowing the material, but it would be a specious knowledge, devoid of the actual understanding that the credit is meant to represent.

So anyway, for me, this idea of class consciousness sort of evolved into classroom consciousness, and through classroom consciousness we can revise our social contract in the classroom. Let me turn to the text for a sec to anchor what I'm saying. By not talking on Monday, I was essentially objecting to what I perceived as a law: talk and get credit. On pg 140 Rousseau says about laws, “silence (in this case, talking) is presumed to mean tacit consent, and the sovereign (us) supposedly gives constant confirmation to the laws it does not repeal while able to do so.” Thus, in continuing to participate in a credit based discussion, we give tacit consent to the laws of our broken social contract.

Now that we have classroom consciousness though, we can all object and repeal this law. If we were all to engage in my method from Monday, non-participation, we would force our professor's hand in giving us credit without participation, because it would reflect badly on him to fail the entire class. However, in doing so, we would compromise our more important goal: to learn and grow. So instead of passively and counterproductivly objecting to the counterproductive “credit for participation” rule, we are forced to actively forge a new social contract in which the discussion belongs to us, instead of being dictated by credit. This is only possible because of our newly found classroom consciousness and if we are willing to accept universal credit (or possibly lack there of) for the discussion as a whole. If someone else says the point that you were going to make, it would be equivalent to you having made that point. The need to interject irrelevant or inferior information for the sake of recognition would disappear. I believe discussions would thrive in these conditions, and that's why I am not afraid to accept that, if we have a B discussion one day, then we all get Bs for the day, because I believe these conditions are more likely to produce A discussions.

I have some other stuff to say, some of which is actually about the text, but I'm no longer interested in getting credit for a monologue. My only concern is facilitating the best possible discussion. Thus, I pass the mic."

...gonna give this speech in our class discussion tomorrow... What's wrong with me?

In fact, what the hell, Rousseau? I think we've underestimated this guy's role in the American and French Revolutions. His writing really doesn't make me feel radical or rebellious. Yet, on the first day of discussion, I refused to participate, and on the second day of discussion, I am going to incite my classmates into overthrowing the entire structure of our grading system.

..And now I understand why it was banned..

Personal Evaluation - History of Ancient Greece

2009-08-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

Many students who have written personal evaluations in the past have praised the institution of assessing oneself at the close of the semester. It seemed to them a mark of honor to the student’s past accomplishment that a brief paper should be written about them. I do not agree. This student has shown himself studious in action, and it would be enough, I think, for his grade to be proclaimed in action, as you have just seen it done at the final exam organized by yourself and the administration. Your belief in my scholastic dedication should not be hazarded on the goodness or badness of one personal evaluation. Then it is not easy to speak with a proper sense of balance, when a writer’s audience finds it difficult to believe in the truth of what one is saying. A man who knows the facts and loves the work I have done throughout the semester may well think that a personal evaluation tells less than what he knows and what he would like to hear: others who do not know so much may feel envy for my scholarly achievements, and think that the writer over-praises, when he speaks of back-to-back over-nighters that are beyond their own capacities…However, the fact is that the personal evaluation was set up and approved by yourself and students of the past and it is my assignment to follow the tradition and do my best to meet your wishes and expectations.

Professor, since the personal evaluation questions my character, I must begin by saying that I have a better right than others to receive an "A" in your class and that I think I am quite worthy of the grade… There was a time when my peers and professors imagined that my dedication to academics had been ruined by war video games, but they came to consider it even greater than it really is, because of the splendid show I made on campus when, as a junior, I submitted a whole bunch of work (more than I have ever submitted in my collegiate career) and received straight "A’s" and saw that everything else was arranged in a style worthy of my victory (post finals house party)... It is perfectly fair for a man who has a high opinion of himself not to be put on a level with everyone else. Thus, I deserve an A+.
Think it over again, then, when you have finished reading my personal evaluation, and let this be a point that constantly recurs to your mind— that you are considering the fate of my grade in your class, that I will recieve only one grade for your class, and that its future for good or ill depends on this one single decision which you are going to make.

I sampled two speeches in the evaluation. Anyone know who they were and what they were talking about?

My Climate Change Survey

2009-06-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

"I'm sorry. I'm having trouble hearing you over the hail and tornado sirens."
"Do you need to go, sir? We can finish the survey later."
"Nah, this is normal. It's been like this all week. Just try to speak up."
"Okay... Would you consider the following statement to be accurate or inaccurate: you believe that climate change---"
"What?"
"Accurate or inaccurate: you believe that climate change is a real---"
("Sweet, dude, look, tornado, tornado! ...Shit, dude, FUCK, TORNADO, TORNADO!")
"What?!"
"I SAID ACCURATE OR INACCURATE: YOU BELIEVE---"
"Sorry, dude, I gotta go."

When my environmental science professor explained that humanity is doomed, he failed to mention that it would be this annoying.

The Viscious Cycle of Food for Thought and Thought for Food Continues

2009-03-29T22:41:00.001-07:00

Yet, we rarely consider the waste by-product of that cycle. Thus, for your consideration:

PCPs are like the power stars in Mario, except when it ends you're in jail.

In a fortune cookie: "You will receive good news! But this is it."

At an office meeting: "Okay, so, today we're going to vote someone off the island, so to speak."

I've decided not to stalk that girl, after all. I just think about how many fish there are in the sea, how they come in so many interesting and beautiful varieties, and thinking about the ocean distracts me from women.

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." So what does this mean for you, as the audience? Well, you can either laugh at my jokes, or deify me, and if you deify me, I will crush you. So let's try some jokes. Here, this is a good one: LAUGH OR I WILL CRUSH YOU! LAUGH OR I WILL CRUSH YOU!!

Noteworthy... ...notes...

2009-03-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

Maybe spring is coming early this year! Yes, because of global warming (here in Denver it has been Summer all Winter. You don't hear me sarcastically complaining though. I like the beach, and if the apocalypse is the result of naturally occurring climate change (and is, therefore, beyond my control) then that's a load of my shoulders), but also, by rough groundhoggian logic, because something good happened to me that is marginally related to spring:

Twas the night before daylight wastings time and all through the bed,
a sleepy young lad had let it slip through his head
that the clocks must be set an hour forward, and thus,
he would be late for work after missing the bus!

But then all of a sudden, beyond meter and rhyme,
I was feeling extra groggy that morning and in an unwise and only partially conscious attempt to set my alarm forward an hour, I actually changed the clock instead. My failed attempt to sleep in caused me to be on time for work. I WAS MYSTIFIED. It was the first time in my life that anything extraordinary and related to my alarm clock hadn't contributed to my hatred of said doom clock. Perhaps it was a sign of a new era, wherein clocks and right hemispheres will reach across the aisle and finally say to each other, "It's time to put aside our petty differences, find our common ground (like the temporal lobe?), and move forward together... as a whole:" as an alarm clock lodged in a brain.

Right now, that's what you are to me, GOP (if I may change the subject). You are a stupid effing alarm clock lodged in the brain of America, and not as a metaphor for driving home responsibility but as a symbol of brain damage. Why can't you just pay a tiny bit more tax to let me effing sleep for an extra hour?! Or, more seriously, at least your indoctrination campaign is rendered more tolerable by your absolute impotence, the result of futile, shameless clawing at the world to maintain the status quo and the accompanying loss of worldly support. Your role in the 111th Congress is clear: you are assholes and you suck. ...But not you, reader. You're cool.

Awwwww! Did we just antagonize someone together? I hope you feel as close to me as I do to you, because I am, in fact, the same distance from you as you are from me. But, shhh! Don't let the literal interpretation take this moment away from us.

So I got a new used guitar. I replaced the Peavy Predator I've been playing on since 7th grade... with a Guild M-75. Meanwhile, I no longer suck at guitar. Coincidence? I think not. Now see here: the correlation between correlation and causality seems to suggest a causal relationship between correlation and causality, right? Duh, I know. Thus, the axiom: you don't suck, your guitar sucks. But really. You know how people that suck lay blame on the things around them? Maybe they do suck because of the things around them. Now that I have a better guitar, I don't suck, and I am no longer one of those sucky musicians who complains about how his guitar sucks. Maybe we should stop being like, your life doesn't suck you suck, and help the poor people who actually are mired in suckiness. If you don't, then you suck: if there is suckiness, your failure to eradicate suckiness translates into your own suckiness. If you don't want to suck, then help someone who sucks not suck, now. It's your only chance. I, for one, don't really care either way...

{Sigh}, in resignation to my new goal of at least sometimes attempting to write things that are true, I should clarify: I really do think suckiness sucks. I just thought that saying "I don't care" after that whole big schpiel would be a funny thing to do. HOWEVER, I realize that I am a role model for most of you (humans) and I don't want you to confuse the reality of your idol's beliefs with his satirical side. He's a jokster. Speaking of which, here are some other funny things that I recently thought of or came across:

My genre of music:
I play bleus. It's an acquired taste.

My imaginary funk band:
Kung Fusion

Spoiler for the critically ignored novella, Sandwich:
The term "Flingchiste" is actually a mispronunciation of "Felicia Stick", the name of Philliam Penn's perennially slim mistress. Designing the sandwich to fatten her up, Philliam penned his creation for his skin and bones lover. In time, however, people would come to call the sandwich after him instead; hence, the common misidentification, Philly Cheesteak. By the end of their adventure to recover this information, having unraveled the vast Quaker conspiracy to obscure the origins of the sandwich, John and Jan had fallen in love. Today, they are considered the world's most prominent researchers in the field of sandwich origination, and are currently studying the sandwich development potential of higher primates worldwide (while staying one step ahead of the mercenary Jesuit assassins).

Some things I said:
"Oh, I'm sorry, you tall folks all look the same to me."
"The world is your oyster. I hope you like oyster."

Something my mom said:
"But if I die, then how will I pay the mortgage?"

Oh yeah, also, I finally posted some recordings on myspace. It's just some crummy stuff, you know, mumble, kinda sucks, ...bullocks..., you can listen though if you want. Hell, if you read this you've already been screened for any lack of tolerance. Oh, also, I mixed these songs in headphones, so listening to them through speakers will only cause you unnecessary pain. Anyway, here is a link. See if you can find some redeemable aspect.

That's all for the day, and not a moment too soon. I tend to regret my sleep deprived interactions with the World Wide Web!. I have a feeling this post is bound for the hill outside rome.

New to the "C"ene

2009-03-04T00:47:00.000-08:00

1: #include <stdio.h>
2: #include <stdlib.h>
3:
4: void main ( )
5: {
6: printf ("Beloved followers, \n I started learning
7: C today! \n Later! \n");
8: exit (0);
9: }
10:
11: /*
12: Compile that in your executable and smoke it.
13: First two chapters down. I would forget about
14: voiding the main function's return and just use
15: return (0) instead of the exit function, (which
16: would also allow me to forget about the #include
17: directive for stdlib.h), but it was the only way I
18: knew how to show off, that and through this
19: explanation... and newline characters! :)
20: Check my rad low block, said the white belt.
21: */

Also, I'd like to boast about displaying my angle brackets.

I haven't actually gotten a C compiler yet, so I'm not sure that my code will work. The guide I have, "Sams Teach Yourself C in 24 Hours," wants me to use Visual C++ version 1.5. Umm, history lesson!

Buddhist Women Aren't Easy

2009-02-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

Divine Spooning

2009-02-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

Good lord, don't ask why, but I sent an evaluation of the conceptual stability of god vs. the spoon to a friend of mine Darrell Grizzle. Actually, in the 30 seconds since I have written that sentence, I've found out that it is an old tradition for godparents to give their godchild a spoon. Darrell is my brother's godfather so maybe that's why... (Well, actually actually, initially it was about which one is more easily bent, which, if you know anything about bending spoons, is an interesting question). Anyway, Darrell, I'm sure that I speak for Rusty when I say, don't bother until you have acquired the Unbendable Spoon of God (or a comparable utensil (no apostle spoons!)).

Okay... so, in response to the conceptual stability of spoon vs. god, Darrell sent me a few questions. I'll post them here with my answers, but I encourage you, reader, to provide your own responses in the comments. I'll take those responses and add them to my post. If you would like to revise an answer that you've already given over the phone, just say so in the comments. Also, if you have any other good questions that relate to spoons and god, don't hold your tongue, unless you can do that and type your question with the other hand.

1) If the spoon bends in the forest, will anybody hear it?

John: Yes, if someone with very good hearing is bending it.

Chip: Insufficient data to compute probability.

2) Can God create a spoon so strong that even he/she/it cannot bend it?

John: And give up omnipotence?! Pshh! It is currently the second strongest spoon in the western hemisphere (The Unbendable Spoon of God).

Chip: You can abbreviate the question to its first two words, and the answer is the same as for #1.

3) Would God use a spoon to eat soup? What kind of soup would God eat?

John: Yes, obviously God uses a spoon to eat soup, unless God is asian, which HE is NOT, because neither is Santa. Actually, I just asked a Greek Orthodox preacher who was walking by (and who DOES look like Santa, lol) and he told me "His food is not of this kingdom." I replied, "So, you don't know, then?"

Chip: Ditto. But if there is a God who eats soup, it would have to be Vegetable Beef. After all, he placed us omnivores at the top of the food chain, didn't he? Or didn't he?

Matt B: Cream of Mushroom. What's the real answer?

Katie R: "Ambrosia is the food of the gods, duh."

Andrea Q: Split Pea because it is the best soup so God must be made of it.

Rusty: Clam Chowder, obvi (Why?) Cause its the best, helloooo

Andrea L: Welll as much as it pains me to say... chicken soup is for the soul right? And god's all soulful probably.

Brent A: God eats baby soup.

Jeff W: Ambrosia soup. (Well done! Someone else said that too. It's a good answer). Credit Carolyn. I just mumbled something about my tears and my balls.

Rags to Riches: Foreign to Awesome

2009-02-13T23:42:00.001-08:00

In belated celebration of Darwin's and Lincoln's 200th birthday, I present a poorly composed propaganda piece based on Darwin's Decent of Man:

In The Decent of Man, Charles Darwin reveals his theory of mankind’s evolution through natural selection. He delineates the processes of evolution from a strictly biological perspective. However, he digresses, “there is apparently much truth in the belief that the wonderful progress of the United States, as well as the character of the people, are the results of natural selection.” (pg. 168) This brief foray into the realm of cultural analysis deserves further interpretation. Transformations in the physical form of the United States citizen attest to Darwin’s theory of man’s evolution. These changes are the result, in part, of differences in the natural environment, the unique ethnic diversity of the people, and the rigorous process through which these people seek out their genetic supplement: dating.

Ironically, in the introduction to The Decent of Man, Darwin praises the French naturalist George Louis Leclerc, a man whose theory of American degeneration earned him a place of infamy in the hearts of the first U.S. citizens. Leclerc believed that organisms in the Americas were smaller and less fertile than those of Eurasia, and that plants and animals imported from the Old World would diminish accordingly within a few generations. In defense of the national pride, Thomas Jefferson had the remains of a moose exported to Paris, where it easily dwarfed their largest local game. Leclerc’s theory was put to death, but U.S. citizens would exact even further vindication.

Not only did America's wildlife grow to epic proportions, so did its people. Darwin tells of how German soldiers appeared ridiculous donning American made clothes that were much too long for them. “Thus, as is generally admitted European settlers in the United States undergo a slight but extraordinarily rapid change of appearance. Their bodies and limbs become elongated.” (pg. 227) Here, Darwin links the environment (specifically, as we now know, the increased abundance and diversity of food) to the physical development of its inhabitants.

Moreover, measurements of over 1,000,000 U.S. soldiers produced a linkage between a man’s size and the general area in which he was reared: “For instance, it is established, ‘that residence in the Western States, during years of growth, tends to produce increase of stature.’” (pg. 49) Thus, the United States not only demonstrates an environmentally related physical departure from Europe, but also intra-national physical diversity as a result of its various landscapes. Such changes in stature undoubtedly affect an individual’s standard of living and, thus, his ranking in the horrible hierarchy of natural selection.

Darwin’s theory is also exemplified in the racial history and diversity of the United States. The institution of slavery produced rapid physical adaptations: “There is also a considerable body of evidence shewing that in the Southern States the house-slaves of the third generation present a markedly different appearance from the field slaves.” (pg. 228) As politically incorrect as it may sound, the process through which United States slaves were physically transformed is parallel to the domestication of animals. Darwin studied the breeding of pigeons, noting that very few generations were required to change the birds’ physical appearances when bred with a purpose. Likewise, slaves in the South were divided into field-slaves or house-slaves based upon certain characteristics. These traits were undoubtedly reiterated when members of these distinct groups produced offspring together. Meanwhile, slaves endured extreme physical stress in the crowded, often diseased ships in which they were transported to the U.S., or also from the continual strain of field work. Thus, one might argue that modern African Americans are the product of a fiercely concentrated selection process because slave owners favored certain traits and also due to the harsh physical challenges which their ancestors endured.

Meanwhile, the interbreeding of races in the U.S. has produced individuals with some interesting characteristics. Darwin writes of the “inferior vitality” of mulattoes (pg. 224), but also mentions that they are “almost completely exempt from the yellow fever so destructive in tropical America.” (pg. 193) In both cases, the mixing of races in America illustrates the inheritance of traits that result in unique offspring, a central aspect of Darwin’s theory as to the emergence of man. Moreover, the United States gene pool is more diversified than that of any other country. No single ethnicity dominates the population. U.S. citizens are so diverse that racial groups considered distinct in other countries are often lumped together as Latinos, Whites, Blacks, Asians, or even just Americans. Presidential candidate Barak Obama, who is of mixed ethnicity, is an iconic personification of this genetic diversity. Thus, the United States provides evidence of human forms that have distinguished themselves from their ancestors, an inherent part of Darwin’s assertion that man descends from organisms that were quite distinct from his modern manifestation.

According to Darwin, all would-be progenitors are subject to the trials of sexual selection. The dating atmosphere in the modern U.S. demonstrates some of the ways in which many organisms pursue their drive towards procreation. As a young lad, I am acutely aware of women's discrimination, none of which seem to comply with my request that they “see through the life choices to the genetic potential.” Darwin relates, “the exertion of some choice on the part of the female seems a law almost as general as the eagerness of the male.” (pg. 257) A lack of pre-arranged marriages in the U.S. results in a highly competitive mate market. The American male is obliged to advance, and he does so in a fashion that is not unlike the attempts of his brethren among other species in natural environments: the so-called act of “peacocking” entails male adornment for the express purpose of distinguishing himself to the feminine eye. Literally, the term refers to the flamboyant feathers of the male peacock, and Darwin observes such brilliant elaboration across a wide variety of animals. Similarly, bird-song is used to attract a mate, and some birds even imitate each others’ songs towards this end. (pg. 94) Such behavior is mirrored in my own feeble musical creations, which so often give way to more surefire cover-songs. Darwin also describes the use of “a musky odour, which we may suppose serves to charm or excite the female.” (pg. 408) Likewise, Ax Body Spray commercials depict one lucky guy being engulfed by a mob of women who are apparently zombified, unable to resist the scent of the Ax product. Thus, the various endeavors of the American man against the horrific prospect of genetic oblivion as a consequence of sexual deselection are directly parallel to those of other species, supporting Darwin’s connection between man and beast in the theory of evolution.

On the same token, U.S. women employ a wide array of agents, ranging from make-up and hair removal to mind-warping social games, in their pursuit of the least repulsive mate. Darwin argues that, through this process of coupling, only the best persist. He explains, “if such [well nourished] females select the more attractive, and at the same time vigorous males, they will rear a larger number of offspring than the retarded females, which must pair with the less vigorous and less attractive males.” (pg. 255) Theoretically, a United States citizen could be too poor to support a family. However, in general, nutrition is not a significant issue in the U.S., enabling “retarded…and less attractive” progenitors to make their contribution to the gene pool (see “lower class Conservatives”).

Thus, the U.S. by no means represents the greatest culmination of man through Darwin’s principles of evolution. Perhaps it is fitting that Jefferson chose the moose to represent the grandeur of the United States, as the analogy can be extended to modern times: “during his progress he [the moose] holds his nose up, so as to lay the horns horizontally back; and in this attitude cannot see the ground distinctly.” (pg. 577) The great international influence wielded by the U.S. is roughly parallel to enormous antlers of the moose. Moreover, some argue that it has proven to be similarly cumbersome as, for example, the focus on the war in Iraq has drawn attention away from significant domestic issues. Finally, foreign criticism of the American citizen is well known, and generally entails something like, “he holds his nose up…and in this attitude cannot see the ground distinctly.” In other words, many feel that the United States’ great success has resulted in an excessively proud, spoiled and ignorant population. Moreover, Darwin writes, “It even appears from what we see, for instance, in parts of S. America, that a people which may be called civilised, such as the Spanish settlers, is liable to become indolent and to retrograde, when the conditions of life are very easy.” (pg. 169) No one can deny that, within the last century, the standard of living in the United States has become quite comfortable. Some argue that welfare programs, for example, create a situation not unlike the conditions that spoiled Darwin’s Spanish settlers. If the trials of the American frontier once chiseled out a heartier race of man, the close proximity of the fast food restaurant has now, perhaps, returned him to the obscurity of his folds.

Of nineteenth-century America, Darwin writes, “obscure as is the problem of the advance of civilization, we can at least see that a nation which produced during a lengthened period the greatest number of highly intellectual, energetic, brave, patriotic, and benevolent men, would generally prevail over less favoured nations.” (Pg. 168) In the twentieth-century, the United States, without question, affirmed Darwin’s prediction of greatness. As to whether it will continue on this course throughout the twenty-first century remains to be seen. Regardless of the United States citizens’ future, they are a testament to the principles of Darwin’s theory of evolution, as is exemplified by their various physical adaptations to the American landscape, the unique forms that have arisen as a result of their ethnically diverse gene pool, and in the animalistic methods they employ against the smothering potential of sexual selection throughout the process most commonly referred to as dating.

Work Cited
Boyle, T. C., and Charles Darwin. Descent of Man : Selection in Relation to Sex. Ed. Adrian Desmond. New York: Penguin Group (USA) Incorporated, 2004.

Huh? T.C. Boyle of Tortilla Curtain fame?

Widespread Stenopia (as far as I can see)

2009-01-28T04:45:00.000-08:00

I've posted a little news clipping here:

"Are you far-sighted or near-sighted? This is the question most often used to ask someone about their vision. Yet, we rarely recognize the assumptions that are inherent in the question, assumptions which define our perspective on sight: we quantify the accuracy of vision by measuring its deviation from average eye-sight in terms of the detail observed along a spectrum of distance. Variations in the shape of the eye affect the point at which light comes to focus in relation to the retina. If light focuses before of the retina, then the result is near-sightedness, behind the retina, far-sightedness.

The effects of these conditions are often represented as 20/x, whereas the subject can read at 20 yards, what the average person can see at x yards. The way in which we codify vision represents our understanding of quality of vision: the clarity of universally perceived details as compared to the average person.

However, scientists have recently been investigating another, and apparently common, vision impairment known as narrow-sightedness. In this case, a person afflicted by narrow-sightedness may not even be observing the same image at all. Ironically, the predominance of narrow-sightedness around the world has thwarted the identification of disparate perception, and, therefore, any knowledge of the condition. In the past, vision has been judged by its ability to preform certain tasks. However, as we are beginning to see, there is more to vision than detail at a distance.

The exact cause of narrow-sightedness has been hotly debated. Regardless, several treatments have already been proposed. Many doctors in the United States have advocated surgical relocation of the eyes to the outside of the skull. Theoretically, widening the three dimensional field of vision would alleviate issues of narrow-sightedness and potentially increase depth perception.

However, this method has been criticized by those who believe that the condition occurs within the eye itself. If that is the case, they say, each eye must be altered in a way that would allow for an increased intake of light. Thus, many of those who ascribe to this vein of thought advocate dilation of the pupils. However, opponents of this theory argue that the dilation of pupils simply replaces the spectrum of vision with an equally limited albeit different spectrum, as perceivable levels of light are compromised.

Recently, the beginnings of a fine argument were made by those who advocated the use of recreational drugs to alleviate narrow sightedness. Unfortunately, they forgot where their train of thought was going.

Experts on narrow-sightedness have pointed out that many of these suggestions reveal symptoms of narrow-sightedness in the people who have developed them. However, the experts themselves have been accused of getting "too close to the case," and that they are projecting narrow-sightedness onto everything that they encounter. Thus, at the moment, a cure for narrow-sightedness is no where in sight."

Check out my sea serpent post from October 2008! I just finished it, or at least gave up and posted it (below).

unable to retrieve title

2008-10-29T21:33:00.001-07:00

To both of my loyal followers:

My internet has been shut off. The term "outstanding balance" is kind of a misnomer, because now I am forced to type this from a hotel's "complimentary business center," as if I were living in some third world country.

To further complicate matters, my laptop has been shipped away for some repairs. It was attacked by a dog and then I accidentally closed it on a 1/8" to 1/4" adapter. Consequently, I can't even park in some stranger's driveway and mooch their signal.

Finally, one of my co-wokers went to the Caribbean so I've had to work everyday while trying to organize presentations and midterms for school.

Don't worry, though. I've been chipping away at my next post (below), in which I will examine many aspects of a certain, mysterious international icon.

In short, we are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stay tuned.

Jurass is Mine, Nessie!

2008-10-21T05:02:00.001-07:00

The Loch Ness Monster has been a pop culture icon for decades. However, the release of the film Water Horse in 2007 has bolstered the boisterous basilisk into a limier light, the liminess of which should be tinging my light instead! Fortunately, I live in Denver, Colorado, which is technically a desert and has no significant bodies of water to speak of. It is the perfect place from which to launch my slanderous campaign against this ego-maniacal, attention-craving alligator. In this post, I will reveal Nessie's dark private life. I hope to show that this so-called "monster" is, in fact, a danger to people and tourism in the U.K.. Meanwhile, I will demonstrate that the media, in its hysterical love affair with the beast, has largely ignored the plethora of plesiosaurs around the planet.

The Loch Ness Monster made its major motion picture debut in the film Water Horse, in which it played a loveable little sprite of a dinosaur fit for Barney and Friends or The Land Before Time XLIII. Sadly, like so many other stars, there is a shadier side to Nessie behind the silver screen. Scottish lore (their equivalent to US Weekly) reveals the scandelous ways of the water horse ("each uisage"). The monster has been known to transform into a fine horse or pony and lure passers-by to climb on for a ride. However, at the first sight or smell of water, the creature suddenly becomes adhesive, and takes its rider for a deep dive and a watery death. In other cases, the water horse transforms into a handsome man, seducing women before ushering them into the afterlife. In this form, the creature can only be recognized by the sea-weed in its hair.

Nessie is the prodginy of a family embroiled in scandal accross the U.K.. A similar beast, sometimes called a "kelpie," is found in the rivers and lochs of Scotland and Ireland. It transforms convincingly into a lost pony, its secret nature only betrayed by a constantly dripping mane. Fittingly, this shifty creature maintains a wide variety of aliases. On the Isle of Man, it is referred to as a Cabbyl-Ushtey or Glashtin. Meanwhile, in the Orkney Islands, just north of the Scottish mainland, it is referred to as a Nuggle, while on the islands still north of there, the Shetlands, it is knowns as a Shoopiltee or a Njogal. The people of the Shetlands tell the tale of a man, "Black Eric," and his pet-beast named Tangie. The duo marauded across the countryside pillaging the helpless vilagers. Black Eric was eventually driven off a cliff by upset locals, but Tangie continued to ravage the land for some time, in search of his mortal bride.

If the reports of such unruly behavior are not incriminating enough, there also appears to be a history of conspiracy and cover-ups in the same area. In 1808, a storm in the Orkney Islands washed ashore a mysterious carcass. It was 55 ft. long, with three pairs of paws or wings, and a mane that ran all the way down its back. The locals drew several diagrams of the beast, and declared it an unknown species of sea serpent. Forty-one years later, a team of naturalists examined the skeleton and dismissed it as an exceptionally large, decaying basking shark.

Villagers' drawingsA Basking Shark

This carcass, caught off the coast of New Zealand in 1977, was eventually identified as a basking shark as well.

More mysterious maritime meat-monsters:

I've got more carcasses, but posting the pictures was causing weird format issues, so whatever.

Europeans have expressed an awareness of the aquatic-horselike-serpentine-thingy for thousands of years. The Greek god Poseidon was lord of both the sea and of horses. Eventually, artists and authors depicted his chariot being drawn by Hippocamps, the front half of which is horselike, the other half being fish or dragon. Hippocamps show up all over Greek pottery and sometimes currency. The Romans adopted the Hippocamp with fervor, illustrating it in complex mosaics and statues.

"This coin was minted in Taretum early the 5th Century BC. Taras (Taretum) was the most important Greek city in southern Italy during the 5th and 4th Centuries BC. Taras finally surrendered to the Romans in 272 BC.
Obv: Hippocamp Rev: Taras on Dolphin"
http://www.museumsurplus.com

"Byblos, Phoenicia (time of King Azemilcus/Uzzimilk; 347- 340 BC.). Obv: Melquart holding drawn bow & riding hippocamp, facing right; dolphin below stylized waves; raised circular decorative border. Rev: Owl standing right, facing head; crook and flail over shoulder, date year mark 10 (338/7 BC) to right."

http://www.ancients.info/gallery/showgallery.php/cat/3153

Wow, I ended up getting pretty into this coins-with-Hippocamps-on-them-thing. If anyone finds one in their change, please send it my way for, uh, verification. I'll post one more:

"Phoenicia, Byblos, Azbaal 350-333 BC. War galley left with lion's head prow ornament, zig-zag row of waves below, three hoplites with round shields within, hippocamp left above murex. No between hippocamp and gally / lion attacking bull to the left."

http://www.vcoins.com/ancient/persisgallery/store/viewItem.asp?idProduct=32&large=0

Anyway, water-dragon-stuff has persisted throughout European history. Beaucaire, in Southern France, was home to one of the most infamous such creatures. Known as "Le Drac" (and pronounced with an exaggerated French accent), this supersized salamander inhabited the nearby Rhone River (left: a statue of Le Drac in Beaucaire). It was capable of transforming into a human, and used an underground network to get from the river to the town's well. One day, a luscious lavender babe (vendor) was gathering her herbs by the river and Le Drac!! kidnapped her to raise his son. According to wikipedia... she had to rub human fat or something on his kid. One time, she forgot to wash it off her hands before she rubbed her eye, and thus gained the ability to recognize Le Drac!!!. Years later, after her release, she spotted Le Drac! in town. In response, he ripped her eye out and then killed a ton of people. Whole armies failed to bring down the beast. Some say it has died of old age. Others believe it roams the Rhone still.

There are several other similar cases. Out of laziness, I'm just going to quote some websites:

The Gargouille
From the waters of the Seine, a monster with a great scaled head appears one day and starts mercilessly satureating the land until the entire region is flooded. The Archbishop of Rouen, St. Romain, with one volunteer, a prisoner on the death roll, sets out to conquer the monster. When St. Romain confronts the monster, he places two fingers one against another, forming a cross. This gesture immediately tames the Gargouille. It is led submissively back in town and burned to death.
Comments
The story of the Gargouille is found in the "Serpent Dragons" section of this collection of dragon stories. The Gargouille is described as a colossal monster with a long neck, a slender snout and eyes greaming like moonstones. It is also claimed that the word "gargoyle" is derived from the name of this monster, borrowing both its shape and the water spouting trait. The taming process is very similar between this and the story of The Tarasque.

http://www.fairrosa.info/dragon/gargouille.html
(pictured: Gargouille at Laon Cathedral; for scale, note the little dude holding the rope around its neck).

The Tarasque,

(lemme just say [sic] ahead of time)
The Tarasque cannot be destroyed by mere human strength or weapons. The people in Nerluc have suffered many years until Martha, the girl with a quiet disposition and a Christian, comes to spread the words of God to the pagan people. She listens to the stories of the Tarasque and sets out, bear-footed, to search the dragon. When she finds the dragon, she uses two sticks as a cross and that stops the dragon as if it is pierced by a sword. She sprinkles holy water on the dragon and that quenches all the fire in him. She uses his sharp tooth to cut off her braids and using the braids as a bridle, leads him back in town, tame as a lamb. The townspeople kills the Tarasque with a shower of stones and Martha weeps for the creature but forgives the people's action because she understands their long-time suffering.

Comments
This male dragon is enormous. His body is most like an ox but with six short bear-like legs with enormous claws. On his body he has two shields like those of a turtle but covered with curved spikes, and the rest of his body is covered with closely overlapping scales that formed his armor. His tail is long and curved like a scorpion. His head is that of a lion, yet with a horse's ears, but his face, with eyebrows and mustache, is that of a sad and bitter old man. The Tarasque is described as an evil fire-breathing beast.

http://www.fairrosa.info/dragon/tarasque.html

(pictured: a statue of the Tarasque near King Rene's Castle in Tarascon. The town changed its name from Nerluc to Tarascon after the Tarasque incident).

North America's waters also appear to be chock full o' serpents. The natives of Okanagan Lake (British Columbia) refered to their resident reptile as Naitaka, although today, this popular serpent is known mostly as Ogopogo. The natives spoke ominously of "the great beast of the lake" or "the snake in the lake." They would carry an animal with them on their canoes to be used as a sacrifice in case they happened upon a... hungry hippo (I'm running out of alliterative terms for these things). Native pictographs along the lake's tributaries depict a serpent, perhaps functioning as warning signs. Viking pictographs of snakes found near... some lake I can't remember the name of... in the northeastern U.S., might have served the same purpose (maybe it was Lake Memphremagog?). Anyway, there have been all kinds of non-native Ogopogo sightings since 1860, the most noteable of which was an appearance that the beast made in 1926, when it was spotted by no less than 30 separate cars of people.

The Nootka, natives of British Columbia, had their own fearsome serpent, Haeitlik, a "lightning snake" that the thunderbirds would send out to kill orcas for food. To the north, Inuits believed in a snake-like creature which they called Tizheruk. The animal was said to have a seven foot head and a long tail ending in a flipper. It dwelled near Key Island, Alaska where it would occasional emerge to snatch Eskimos off the pier (no joke), or perhaps to turn tricks for Klondike Bars... Meanwhile, Souix legend told of a dangerous reptilian water monster which they called Unktehila. In their mythology, all but the smallest variety of these creatures were destroyed by the Thunderbirds. In our history, dinosaurs were supplanted with the evolution of birds, an intriguing parallel.

Well, I wanted to write a lot more, about Champ and those other guys, but I'm getting tired of this, and would like to blog about something else. In fact, I am just going to end this post prematurly and inconclusivly. May I placate you with some links?

This link provides written accounts of various "lake dragons" around the world. It is 1)an internet source for 2)cryptozoology, maintained by 3)a Young Earth Creationist. In terms of scientific credibility, it is 1)a desert, 2)sewn with salt, and then 3) nuked. In defense of YECs though, I do sort of find Sarah Palin attractive... in the way that the male mantis pursues his inexorable doom, or in a I-am-prepared-file-down-the-fangs-of-our-offspring sort of way. Hiss! Call me, Sarah. http://www.lakedragons.livingdinos.com/

When I first started looking at sea serpents, I came up with what I deemed to be a witty phrase, "different fakes for different lakes." However, there are astonishing similarities between the monsters, particularly amongst the reports that people give of their sightings. A few common features include: long neck with a mane, horse-like head held about one foot above the water, vertical undulations (unlike... everything, which undulates horizontally), glowing eyes, bla bla bla. In the end, I have to say, who knows... unless you've run into one, in which case, I suppose you know. Anyway, I've posted some links to videos on youtube that are kinda fun.

Champ on ABC News

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0wvZf8z_M4

Connecticut Lake Monster?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcLrN0oagzA

unknown creature in Kanas Lake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgaihUBaTIM&feature=related

Loch Ness Monster Caught on Tape

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-Q-IwUijoc

The Ogopogo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMCeoHGdcY0&feature=related

Swedish Lake Monster

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaNb_h2t018

Animal X - Turkish Lake Monster
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OzjiAhqF1w

Part 1 Lake Monster Canada - Animal X Classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ed2cxz1R_8

Part 2 Lake Monster Canada - Animal X Classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCrk6fo3FIE&feature=channel

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!!

Loch Ness & OgoPogo Monster !! - (Part 1 of 2)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXMIVpHGm-c&feature=related

Loch Ness & OgoPogo Monster !! - (Part 2 of 2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyb-hpDh-7M&feature=related

The Camden-(Walker) Hypothesis

2008-10-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

The other night, I was talking to my friend and colleague (in the league of perennial extracurricular distraction), Liz Walker, and I came up with a crackpot theory. I was on the phone with Liz when I said it, so she's making me mention her name. That's right, the person that happened to be in the closest communicative proximity was some chick called Liz, and I think we all need to take a few moments to acknowledge the fact that she understood what I was talking about. Sorry, I'm just bathing in the childish satisfaction of pissing her off. Liz helped.

Anyway, so we're talking, and somehow we got on the Out of Africa II theory. The Out of Africa I theory postulates that H. sapiens evolved in Africa, and did not emerge onto other continents until they were fully anatomically modern. The theory implies that H. sapiens didn't get it on with other bipeds in Europe or Asia (Neanderthals or H. erectus, respectively), because they were already folks just like you and me. If us kids were the offspring of, say, Neanderthals, we wouldn't be able to make the claim that we were fully modern before we emerged from Africa.

There are a lot of other ideas about human dispersal and interaction with other biped species. Milford Wolpoff's got a fun one called Regional Continuity in which Neanderthals became Europeans, H. erectus became Asians, and A. africanus became, you guessed it, Africans. He argues that gene flow between these regions kept their inhabitants from diverging into distinct species. Apparently, one inter-regional hoedown every 70 years would do the trick, but how did they get to the party? Glacial periods and the sheer mileage would have put a strain on any long distance relationship. Moreover, Neanderthals seem to have had a radiating practice of foraging, meaning that they rarely traveled more than a day or two away from the cozy cave. Thus, it is highly improbable that these guys made the trip to meet their mates in Mongolia. Also, there is no evidence for the exchange of material culture between any of these groups for a long, loooooong time, so, in general, it seems that they lived in isolation.

On the other hand, I really wonder how much gene flow would have been necessary to keep these bipeds from growing apart. Basically, two species are distinguished by differences in their reproductive organs that are significant enough to prevent them from producing fertile offspring. Imo, human reproductive organs are good the way they are, so couldn't it be that Neanderthals and A. africanus met for the first time after hundreds of thousands of years, and the Neanderthal was like, "size doesn't matter," and the A. africanus laughed at him, just like today? Anyway, I don't know what to think about Regional Continuity, but let's move on.

The Out of Africa II theory is just the Out of Africa I, except it says, "P.S. The revolution in the material culture of H. sapiens (specifically the increased complexity and abundace of art and tools) that occurred ~60,000 years ago suggests a proportionate revolution of the mind (which, perhaps, enabled them to leave Africa). This revelation is talked about as "a light switch going on" in great grandpa's attic. Somehow, a crap ton of neurological pathways were all ready to go, and suddenly lit up, like the an irrigation network being filled for the first time. (Implications of eventual connection with agriculture, anyone)? A friend of mine told me about this dude's theory [Terrence McKenna] that the ingestion of hallucinogenics, like these trippy vines in Africa, awakened the human consciousness as we know it. Sort of a forbidden fruit thing going on there, so let's roll with it.

The Forbidden Fruit!

"Of man's first disobedience, and the fruit Of that forbidden tree, whose mortal taste Brought death into the world, and all our woe, With loss of Eden, till one greater Man Restore us, and regain the blissful seat," says Milton.

Christians, I'm not writing this one for you. Non-Muslim Ismailis (if you still exist after your fad dissolved in the fear that came with the Bush administration), no, I'm not waiting for the downfall of civilization and hoping that, however few survive, they remember not to farm. All I wanna say here is this...which, now that I think about it, is not a lot... sorry you read all this... main point: Perhaps the revelation that occurred 60,000 years ago, the one that we've examined through it's manifestations in material culture, was none other than the knowledge of Good and Evil!!!, and, I should mention, all things and their opposites. A dichotomous understanding of things, the necessary prerequisite to the conceptualization of parts, patterns, everything.

I feel like yelling, "That's why Roger Pedacter's dead! He found Captain Winky!" But I won't.

Here's some fun stuff. The necrophiliacs (paleoanthropologists) have gone so far as to say that only humans could (and can) perceive and codify things in parts. Winner of the beauty pageant "thanks for participating" award, and Cold-adapted Biped of the Eon, the noble Neanderthal came in second for brains, and yet, has no understanding of parts. (really quickly, I wanna clarify that the hideous, ape-like Neanderthal image is just a fabrication of a man named Boule, who didn't like people thinking that Neanderthals could be "human," and whose own traits are most likely reflected in his work. For the record, Neanderthal ladies, I would cross tundras for you).

Now, back to the brain. Let's wrap this up. Neanderthal brains can grow to ~1750cc, actually larger than human brains which average maybe like 1500cc (this is a blog not a dissertation, you can look it up). For us, a larger portion of that space is filled with parietal and frontal lobes, areas of the brain that we associate with higher thought, including the conceptualization of parts. Neanderthals had larger temporal and sensory-motor areas, so lots of muscle control, but stuff would probably just have been blobs that they associated with some vocal ejaculations (The Neanderthal's vocal tract was identical to H. Sapiens). Cool, no racism right? At the same time, they would have been unable to make connections between the familiar and unfamiliar that would have assuaged the fear of the unknown, which, for some reason, I am assuming they had. Long story short, they're not racist or classist or anything, but, god, they can't be reasoned with. Anyway, enough conjecture. No one really knows whether Neanderthals were assimilated or replaced. If they were assimilated, did they learn human thought. If it can be spread, is it a contagious disease or an impartable gift? Is it a disease or a gift to be able to ask this question? How clear is the line between human and not, aside from the fact that we are apparently the only ones that are drawing these lines?

Let me end it with this: I just remembered an experience (I thought I would never forget) that happened at the zoo when I was a teenager. I had wandered off alone and was thinking about crap as I half-consciously observed a mandrill. Out of the blue, he shot up to the glass and his hand stopped hard with a bang. I almost shit myself, but I still remember the hand, his long thin fingers pressed on the glass. Within half a second my eyes moved to his, which stared at me with an expression so intense that it has never failed to raise my hairs, even as a memory. For a moment we stood there. Almost subconsciously I thought it felt odd that he was standing. My conscious mind was consumed with his gaze. I've wondered if I could have mistaken the expression, befuddled by the subtle differences of his face, but no, I really think not. The absolute fury in his eyes that seemed to scream, "I am here, and you will know that!" I nervously laughed and said aloud, "I'm sorry," and raised my arms in an imploring gesture as I backed away, then turned and ran. I felt a profanity in observing him through the glass. Nobody else had been there to see what had happened, and when I found my group, I don't believe I said a word.

New Anti-aging Cream

2008-10-12T23:32:00.000-07:00

"Men's testicles contain certain cells that seem to be as versatile as embryonic stem cells, the Associated Press reports. A study, published in Nature, suggests that the cells could possibly be used to help grow replacement tissues for other parts of the body. Using these cells would be far less controversial than using embryonic stem cells, which are harvested in a process that destroys embryos."
-http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/2008/10/09/health-buzz-stem-cells-from-testicles-and-other-health-news.html

This is good news for everyone!

Let's start with me: At last, I can compete with female egg donors in the commodification of my sex organs! The markets are down, and in these hard times, it's been hard to stay hard, but fear not, man! Now you can pay back the loan that the receptionist at the sperm bank gave you "if you would just give up already," thereby solving all of life's problems. Let's look at this simple diagram:

........................................................................................
Testicles => Liver............................................................
......................................................................................
......................V................................................................
..................Money............................................................
......................................................................................
......................V................................................................
.............Payback Loan .....................................................
...................../ \................................................................
.Save Market....Marry Receptionist................................
...................................................................................
.........V..........................V...............................................
.Regain Virility ===> Children....................................
........................................./ \...........................................
.................Grand Children...Testicles => Liver => Money
..................................../ \................................................
Great Grand Children... Testicles => Liver => Money.....
......................................................................................
............ ......V...................................................................
Etc., to infinity, resulting in infinite moneys!! God, life is simple.

Yet, the rising tide lifts all boats, and, thus, annoyingly, the newly found fruits in my forest will benefit others. In fact, some people may already be unknowingly experiencing such benefits. For example, perhaps the greater longevity of women can now be accounted for as a direct result of ingesting... stem cells, somehow.

Moreover, the increasing value of my valuables (or the sky-rocketing stock of my stock) represents the versatile potential of these potatoes, even for such disparate institutions as science and religion: for example, as the number of men that are desperate enough to contribute to progress increases, so will the number of eligible candidates available to sing in the pope's choir...Wow! Wealth, women, science, religion, what can't you do, nether regions? You are like a magic lamp (if you could just imagine that stem cell stuff would be, like, the genie, and, like, the surgical extraction part is similar to how you have to rub it, kinda...)!

Whatever. Despite the analogy, my manhood is boss, and all my critics can shove it, you hear? Existential feminists, transcend already! I've found a new object for my subject and it's me. Go ahead, call me nuts. I take that as a compliment.